Miss Delish

I was told that my last post made me sound a little… bitter.  And I suppose that is correct.  My adventures in the world of dating have left a lot to be desired.  I have been lucky enough to date one or two really great guys, but have also dated a bunch of, well, not so great guys.

There was the man who made sure to constantly let me know that in his opinion I was nowhere near good enough.  He could not take criticism, but was very quick to give it.  He would point out my figure flaws and what personality traits he saw as problematic.  He would make a point to constantly remind me of the fact that my life wasn’t all tidy and put together.  But neither was his (he ignored that fact, though).  He refused to respect my boundaries.  I was not equal to him, at least in his eyes.  I put up with it for a month or two, thinking (stupidly) that things would change.  We’d been friends for a few years.  ”What had happened?”, I wondered.  Things didn’t change, though, and I got dumped on Christmas Day.

There were the two men who completely denied me.  Sure, they got involved with me.  But to their friends, family, and those whom they dated after me, I was nonexistent.  They denied even knowing me.

There was the man who stayed with me for nearly a year out of desperation.  To be fair, I stayed with him mostly out of pity and convenience.  In my mind, it was easier to stay with him and put up with all the crap than break his heart.  For him it came down to the fact that I was his first (and still only) girlfriend, and he didn’t want to give that up.  So when I finally got fed up with his patronizing me, treating me like a chore, and then embarrassing me in front of my family at a wedding, he went off the deep end.  He called me every name under the sun (including the devil), said some very hurtful things, and even compared me to a pair of twos at best… a bad poker hand.

That doesn’t even account for the numerous men that I have simply gone out on a couple of dates with.  There have been the men that have treated me like nothing but a piece of meat.  There was the man was so full of himself that he started putting me down and eventually ditched me at dinner on our first date because I wasn’t enough of a girly girl or hot enough.  I could go on and on, really…

The point is:  Yes, I AM a bit bitter.  I think any girl would be.  And it is not that I am bitter because I haven’t settled down into the perfect relationship yet, or because I have incredibly high standards (because I don’t).   I do not expect to find my one true love at 22.  I do not expect grand gestures.  I do not expect that age old traditions of courtship take place.  But I DO expect and demand respect.  I am a lady and I expect to be treated as such.

Men wonder why women are bitter and closed off.  They wonder why we do not trust easily.  These men fail to realize that it is their own kind that have caused us to be this way.  In the end, its the nice guys-the truly respectful gentlemen, who get burned.  Because when they are genuine and respectful and romantic and chivalrous, women do not trust them.  It’s a tragedy, really.

What is chivalry, and is it dead?  That was how this all started.  I was trying to define chivalry… figure out what constitutes it in this modern age of feminism and independence.  But is that possible?

I look at my life and experiences in the world of dating and romance, as well as those of the people I know, and I find that it is extremely difficult-maybe impossible-to tell the difference between chivalry and simple efforts to get a woman in bed?

Some common actions that many would say are chivalrous are opening doors, pulling out a woman’s chair, opening the car door, helping a woman over/around puddles so her feet do not get wet, bringing her flowers, helping her into her jacket, walking her to her door, offering your jacket when she is cold, covering her with a blanket when she is cold/asleep, rubbing her shoulders when her neck or back aches.

But when do these things turn from simple respect to chivalry?  And how is a woman to know you are not simply trying to be patronizing?  How is she to know that you are doing it out of respect for her?  How is she to know that you are not simply trying to get her into bed?  Men can be quite good at doing the “romantic” things (opening doors, offering a jacket, bringing flowers, offering a massage) in an effort to nothing more than get a woman in the sack.  there are plenty of these trashy men out there.  (And plenty of trashy women who are fine with it… but that does nothing for us women looking for respect and romance.)

In this day and age, how do we sort it out?  How is a woman to tell the difference?

Here I am, 22, single, enjoying life.  In a world that puts so much focus on a woman’s supposed need for a man in her life, I find myself content with my independence.  I am happy that at this age, I have the opportunity to experience the world without being tied down.

I have spent the past couple of years enjoying all the the single life has to offer.  I have had more nights out with the girls than should be legal (we like to cause a ruckus), gone on blind dates, met potential suitors online.  I have had casual, fun dates.  I have had stuffy, uncomfortable ones as well.  I have met some great people and made many great friends.  In most cases, neither of us were in a spot where we were looking for something serious and long term.  In some cases, we just didn’t click.  But it was all mostly fun while it lasted.

The one thing that I find very frustrating, though, is that in this day and age, there are few boundaries.  It is commonplace to be propositioned for hook-ups and one night stands.  Some people feel it required to sleep together before a relationship is considered.  And although sex can be important in a relationship, I do not feel that it should be a measurement of my interest or whether I am dateable.  Is sex not supposed to be meaningful at all?

And why is there a double standard?  Some men want a woman to jump into bed with them right away, but after all is said and done and they move on, they look at her as a bit cheaper.  It makes no sense.

So I am saying it here and now:  If you ever want to take me out, do it with the understanding that you WILL NOT be getting me in bed right away.  Do so with the understanding that I will not sleep with you outside of a monogamous relationship.  (This means that if we are casual dating but are not exclusive or defined, I will not sleep with you.)  And do so with the knowledge and understanding that I will walk away the instant you start to push my boundaries and disrespect me.

I am a modern girl in a modern world, but I still have morals and standards, and I still demand respect.