Miss Delish

Mistakes we knew we were making
Mistakes we knew we were making
Don’t think about chances we’re taking
Don’t think about rules we’re breaking
Mistakes we knew…

I am afraid.  I am afraid of getting hurt.  I am afraid of not being enough.

“It is not you, It is me.”

Bullshit.  Just be truthful.

That is what I am afraid of.  I am afraid that if I open  myself up to the possibility of something more, I will get let down and hurt.  If I open myself up to the possibility of something more, I will have to hear the truth behind those words.  I will have to hear that really, it is me.  I am not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, successful enough.

So instead of having to take the chance of hearing those words, I make sure that I am never in a situation where those words will be spoken.  I never ask for commitment.  I do what I can to make sure that it isn’t a possibility.  I never ask for anything.

Sure, this means that I am always alone.  That means sometimes I hurt a bit.  But it is worth it, right?

Or is it?

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

When I feel, I feel with everything I have.  When I love, I love with everything I have.  When I give, I give with everything I have.  Sure, this gets me hurt.  Sure, this causes pain and trouble sometimes.  But why would I want to go through life only feeling or loving a little bit?  Why would I want I want to go through life only giving only part of me?  That does not sound like much of a life, now does it?

I am stealing this idea from Krysten over at After ‘I Do’.  I hope it gives you a better idea of who I am.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Something that I hate most about myself…

This is a hard question for me.  When I was in the hospital this summer, the woman I was working with pointed out something to me – I say that I hate a lot of things.  It is never that I dislike something, or that I need to change anything.  It is never that something that bothers me.  I hate everything.  Since then, I have tried to catch myself when I say that I hate things and change my way of thinking.  But I think it is safe to say there is at least one thing that I legitimately hate about myself.

I feel things very deeply.  I hate this.

I hate this most when the thing I am feeling hurts…

Right now I am lonely.  I miss somebody terribly.  It hurts so much that I cry.

Why would I not hate something like that?

“Okay, here it is. Your choice, it’s simple, her or me. And I’m sure she’s really great. But Derek, I love you. In a really, big really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your bedroom window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you… love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me.”

Too often I am the friend but not the girlfriend, the object of lust but nothing more, or the other woman.  And the thing is, being the other woman doesn’t just mean that he has another living, breathing lady in his life.  I have been the other woman playing second fiddle to a job or a hobby, a bottle or a video game.

Too often, I am simply not enough.  Someday, I hope I find a man who will pick me, choose me, and love me.

In the meantime, than the lord for Grey’s Anatomy.

I poured my heart out last night in a mess of words.  I just let things go; let things flow.  And even though not everything made sense, even though it was all a jumbled mess of emotions, it was a jumbled mess of me.  And that is what matters.

I have a hard time being honest with myself sometimes.  I get my hopes up; I get my expectations up.  I believe in fairytales.  I believe in dreams as reality.  I fool myself into thinking that I can have what I want.  Or I fool myself into thinking that I want what I have to settle for.

And dammit, I am sick of settling!  I deserve more, and it is about time I demand what I deserve.

I poured my heart out in a mess of words last night.  And a mess it definitely was.  But that is okay, because if it takes a mess of words to state and demand what I deserve, a mess of words is perfection.

It is nearly midnight and here I am not folding the laundry that needs to be taken care of (five baskets left to fold) but instead blogging.  Why am I blogging?  Because I am taking a break from writing a very difficult email.  One that is going to hurt to send.  And it is funny… I can find the words to say running through my head, but when I put them down on paper, nothing sounds right.  Everything comes out all wrong.  But in cases like these, I don’t know if there is a right way to say things.

It’s hard even when you know it’s for the best, because the whole time you’re still asking “is it just another test?”

Seeing a grown woman reduced to tears when I throw some really simple makeup on her… that is what makes me smile.

“I never thought I could look like this.”  That is what she said to me.

I got the new job (!!!), and I must say that it is a perfect fit for me.  It may seem far from glamourous to many, working as a beauty advisor at a makeup counter.  It is retail, afterall.  But seeing as my motto is “when you look better, you feel better”, it makes sense.  There is nothing a dash of makeup can’t fix, whether it is the look of a pimple or a horribly bad mood.

I have barely started working at the counter, but am already finding that I am going to be an ace at it.  They asked me in my interview why I thought I would be good at the job, and I told them because there is nothing that I would find more enjoyable than getting paid to help others look beautiful and feel amazing.  And I think that is the key.  It is the world of beauty… not just looking beautiful, but feeling beautiful.

I am so excited for my new job!  :)

So if you want a new look, some beauty advice, a boost to your confidence, or a refill of your favorite Estee Lauder fragrance, just let me know!

BTW, did I mention that my coworkers rock?!

I am really good at faking happy sometimes.  Really, really good.

But right now is just not one of those times.

I am hurting and I am angry and it just fucking sucks.

And all I want right now is for somebody to be here and hold me, or just hold my hand.

I do not have that.

I do not have anything.

And such is the life that has been given to me.

And in some cases, such is the life I have created for myself.

But god damn it, I just wish that right now I wasn’t so alone.

I wish that right now, you were here.

But instead, I am curled up on the couch angry and hurt and alone.

And fuck you for not caring.  Fuck you for not being here.  Fuck you.